1 00:00:02,503 --> 00:00:03,503 Are you makin' waffles? 2 00:00:03,670 --> 00:00:04,671 No, quiet. 3 00:00:04,963 --> 00:00:06,089 Somebody is, 4 00:00:06,381 --> 00:00:07,734 and the maple syrup smells delicious. 5 00:00:07,758 --> 00:00:08,985 Jack Russell terrier? 6 00:00:09,009 --> 00:00:10,361 No, I can't get a dog. 7 00:00:10,385 --> 00:00:11,720 You should. 8 00:00:12,012 --> 00:00:13,052 A dog'll change your life. 9 00:00:13,222 --> 00:00:14,765 Hey, I just wanted to make sure 10 00:00:15,057 --> 00:00:16,377 you're practicing your rerun dance 11 00:00:16,600 --> 00:00:18,018 for the what's happening sketch. 12 00:00:18,310 --> 00:00:19,310 I'm trying, Liz Lemon, 13 00:00:19,520 --> 00:00:20,646 but I can't concentrate. 14 00:00:20,938 --> 00:00:22,898 Somebody on my block is making waffles, 15 00:00:23,190 --> 00:00:24,441 and it's makin' me horny! 16 00:00:24,733 --> 00:00:26,013 Wait, you smell maple syrup too? 17 00:00:26,235 --> 00:00:27,475 You live all the way in Jersey. 18 00:00:27,653 --> 00:00:28,820 That's weird. Hold on. 19 00:00:30,739 --> 00:00:32,407 Hello? Do you smell maple syrup? 20 00:00:32,699 --> 00:00:33,408 Yes! 21 00:00:33,700 --> 00:00:34,700 Don't panic, Lemon. 22 00:00:34,952 --> 00:00:36,352 It's probably not a chemical attack. 23 00:00:36,453 --> 00:00:37,788 What do you mean "probably"? 24 00:00:38,080 --> 00:00:39,680 It's probably just a strange wind pattern 25 00:00:39,748 --> 00:00:41,468 coming off those factories in staten island, 26 00:00:41,750 --> 00:00:43,043 where food flavors are made. 27 00:00:43,335 --> 00:00:44,628 I don't think it's Northrax. 28 00:00:44,920 --> 00:00:46,505 What's Northrax? 29 00:00:46,797 --> 00:00:48,233 It's a chemical agent we sold to the Saudis 30 00:00:48,257 --> 00:00:49,257 in the 1980s. 31 00:00:49,383 --> 00:00:50,884 It smells exactly like maple syrup. 32 00:00:51,176 --> 00:00:52,636 But I don't think this is it. 33 00:00:52,928 --> 00:00:54,012 Well, how do you know? 34 00:00:54,304 --> 00:00:57,057 Because Northrax kills you within ten seconds. 35 00:01:03,105 --> 00:01:05,023 Okay, I'll talk to you tomorrow. 36 00:01:09,820 --> 00:01:17,703 ♪ ♪ 37 00:01:28,046 --> 00:01:29,715 Make me look like this. 38 00:01:30,007 --> 00:01:31,550 Right, like that's a stretch. 39 00:01:31,842 --> 00:01:33,677 Hey, Jack, thanks for that call last night. 40 00:01:33,969 --> 00:01:34,970 I get really nut burgers 41 00:01:35,262 --> 00:01:36,597 over this homeland security stuff. 42 00:01:36,888 --> 00:01:38,223 Always check with me first, Lemon. 43 00:01:38,515 --> 00:01:39,516 I have NSA connections. 44 00:01:39,808 --> 00:01:42,644 Good. Didn't you just get a haircut two days ago? 45 00:01:42,936 --> 00:01:44,229 I get my haircut every two days. 46 00:01:44,521 --> 00:01:46,440 After all, your hair is your head suit. 47 00:01:46,732 --> 00:01:48,732 I'm going to a party tonight honoring Robert novak. 48 00:01:48,942 --> 00:01:50,822 It's being thrown by John McCain and John Bauer. 49 00:01:50,861 --> 00:01:52,446 Um, I don't think he's real. 50 00:01:52,738 --> 00:01:55,574 Oh, I assure you, Lemon, John McCain is very real. 51 00:01:55,866 --> 00:01:56,450 I have to look perfect. 52 00:01:56,742 --> 00:01:57,742 When it comes to hair, 53 00:01:57,868 --> 00:02:00,037 no one is more bitchy than conservative males. 54 00:02:00,329 --> 00:02:01,622 Good lord, Donaghy 55 00:02:01,913 --> 00:02:03,999 did you comb your hair with a chicken bone? 56 00:02:07,044 --> 00:02:08,044 They can be brutal. 57 00:02:08,211 --> 00:02:09,588 Well, have fun. 58 00:02:09,880 --> 00:02:12,507 Don't get peer pressured into invading Iran. 59 00:02:12,799 --> 00:02:14,551 Oh, uh, before you go, 60 00:02:14,843 --> 00:02:15,963 I'd like you to put this on. 61 00:02:16,053 --> 00:02:18,138 Sheinhardt wig company? What's this? 62 00:02:18,430 --> 00:02:20,599 A way to show support for our parent company, 63 00:02:20,891 --> 00:02:23,101 which is having a little P.R. hiccup right now. 64 00:02:23,393 --> 00:02:25,103 All right. Thanks. 65 00:02:25,395 --> 00:02:27,475 Picked up your tuxedo from the cleaners, Mr. Donaghy. 66 00:02:27,564 --> 00:02:28,564 Just like you asked. 67 00:02:28,607 --> 00:02:29,149 Thank you, Kenneth. 68 00:02:29,441 --> 00:02:31,485 Let me just take this plastic off. 69 00:02:31,777 --> 00:02:32,962 'Cause I saw on Martha Stewart 70 00:02:32,986 --> 00:02:34,088 how we're all doing everything wrong. 71 00:02:34,112 --> 00:02:35,112 Where are the pants? 72 00:02:35,238 --> 00:02:37,407 Sweet peaches! 73 00:02:37,699 --> 00:02:38,742 What have I done? 74 00:02:39,034 --> 00:02:39,576 Somewhere along the way, 75 00:02:39,868 --> 00:02:41,012 they must have slipped out the bottom. 76 00:02:41,036 --> 00:02:42,036 It's all right, Kenneth. 77 00:02:42,162 --> 00:02:43,330 These things happen. 78 00:02:43,622 --> 00:02:44,822 Uncle butch was right. 79 00:02:45,040 --> 00:02:46,320 I'm just a stupid country bumpkin 80 00:02:46,583 --> 00:02:48,210 with great skin and soft hands. 81 00:02:48,502 --> 00:02:50,229 I'll just have Jonathan bring over another pair. 82 00:02:50,253 --> 00:02:51,672 No, sir. This is my mistake. 83 00:02:51,963 --> 00:02:53,715 I will replace your pants. 84 00:02:54,007 --> 00:02:55,634 They cost $2,500. 85 00:02:55,926 --> 00:02:57,719 I will find your pants! 86 00:02:59,596 --> 00:03:00,764 All right! 87 00:03:01,056 --> 00:03:02,808 My prescription shampoo! 88 00:03:05,143 --> 00:03:06,478 Oh. 89 00:03:10,107 --> 00:03:11,107 Who is it? 90 00:03:11,233 --> 00:03:12,234 Hi, I have your mail. 91 00:03:12,526 --> 00:03:14,778 I live across the hall. 92 00:03:15,070 --> 00:03:17,531 H-Hi, I didn't even realize anyone had moved in over here. 93 00:03:17,823 --> 00:03:19,574 Welcome. 94 00:03:24,287 --> 00:03:27,332 I'm... Liz. What's your name? 95 00:03:27,624 --> 00:03:29,000 Raheem. 96 00:03:29,292 --> 00:03:31,461 Raheem. That's... That's my mother's name. 97 00:03:31,753 --> 00:03:32,939 No, it... no, I'm just kidding. 98 00:03:32,963 --> 00:03:34,089 Give me my package, please. 99 00:03:34,381 --> 00:03:35,841 Oh... okay. 100 00:03:36,133 --> 00:03:37,718 Well, it was nice to meet... 101 00:03:42,723 --> 00:03:44,659 Coming up next, Candace Van Der Shark, 102 00:03:44,683 --> 00:03:46,309 a lifetime intimate portrait. 103 00:03:46,601 --> 00:03:48,103 Have you met the guy across the hall? 104 00:03:48,395 --> 00:03:49,595 Raheem? Yeah, he's a good egg. 105 00:03:49,730 --> 00:03:51,690 He's weird. He wouldn't shake my hand. 106 00:03:51,982 --> 00:03:53,817 And I think it's because I'm a woman. 107 00:03:54,109 --> 00:03:56,778 And get this... he's got maps all over his walls. 108 00:03:57,070 --> 00:03:57,654 Maps. 109 00:03:57,946 --> 00:03:59,239 Maps? 110 00:03:59,531 --> 00:04:01,199 You mean like that one? 111 00:04:01,491 --> 00:04:03,326 That's different, that's... That's an antique. 112 00:04:03,618 --> 00:04:04,618 And I'm a white lady. 113 00:04:04,786 --> 00:04:06,013 What are you saying there, Liz? 114 00:04:06,037 --> 00:04:07,998 Pete, you know me. 115 00:04:08,290 --> 00:04:10,250 I never make assumptions about race. 116 00:04:10,542 --> 00:04:11,822 Remember, I asked that black guy 117 00:04:12,043 --> 00:04:13,044 if he had seen sideways? 118 00:04:13,336 --> 00:04:14,336 But this guy.. 119 00:04:14,504 --> 00:04:15,504 I don't like him. 120 00:04:15,714 --> 00:04:16,381 You're being paranoid. 121 00:04:16,673 --> 00:04:17,793 Raheem is a really nice guy. 122 00:04:18,008 --> 00:04:19,008 And he's always helping. 123 00:04:19,176 --> 00:04:20,677 He rewired the toaster oven, 124 00:04:20,969 --> 00:04:22,769 and... he showed me a back way to the airport. 125 00:04:22,888 --> 00:04:24,014 Listen to yourself, Pete. 126 00:04:24,306 --> 00:04:25,466 I don't want to sound racist, 127 00:04:25,557 --> 00:04:27,809 but that pita pocket might be a terrorist. 128 00:04:28,894 --> 00:04:30,270 That sound racist? 129 00:04:30,562 --> 00:04:32,856 This rich Chestnut color is natural? 130 00:04:34,524 --> 00:04:35,524 Excuse me. 131 00:04:36,860 --> 00:04:38,320 Whiskey, straight up. 132 00:04:38,612 --> 00:04:40,447 I'll have a white rum with diet ginger ale 133 00:04:40,739 --> 00:04:41,239 and a splash of lime. 134 00:04:41,531 --> 00:04:43,241 Wow, I never would have pegged you 135 00:04:43,533 --> 00:04:45,410 for a university of Tennessee sorority girl. 136 00:04:45,702 --> 00:04:47,221 Well, you've got to pace yourself with these things. 137 00:04:47,245 --> 00:04:47,954 We go all night. 138 00:04:48,246 --> 00:04:49,246 That's good advice. 139 00:04:49,498 --> 00:04:50,898 Unfortunately, I promised bill Frist 140 00:04:50,999 --> 00:04:51,999 the next slow dance. 141 00:04:54,044 --> 00:04:55,044 I'm C.C. 142 00:04:55,253 --> 00:04:56,253 Jack. 143 00:04:56,421 --> 00:04:58,256 Nice haircut. 144 00:05:01,426 --> 00:05:04,346 Sir, here's your Nancy Drew. 145 00:05:06,014 --> 00:05:07,974 For men, it's called a Hardy boy. 146 00:05:17,692 --> 00:05:18,902 Hey, KK, how's it hangin'? 147 00:05:19,194 --> 00:05:20,362 Very low, sir. 148 00:05:20,654 --> 00:05:21,654 Very low. 149 00:05:21,822 --> 00:05:23,049 I lost something real important. 150 00:05:23,073 --> 00:05:24,741 You know what I do when I lose something? 151 00:05:25,033 --> 00:05:26,785 I yell real loud until I find it. 152 00:05:27,077 --> 00:05:28,095 So what is it that you lost? 153 00:05:28,119 --> 00:05:30,789 Pants. Pants! Pants! Pants! 154 00:05:31,081 --> 00:05:33,834 Pants! Pants! Pants! 155 00:05:34,125 --> 00:05:37,087 How 'bout the Sean Johns? Were you chafing again, tray? 156 00:05:37,379 --> 00:05:38,898 I don't think that's gonna help me find 157 00:05:38,922 --> 00:05:39,922 Mr. Donaghy's pants. 158 00:05:40,048 --> 00:05:41,633 Well, did you retrace your steps? 159 00:05:41,925 --> 00:05:42,592 Or go back to the drycleaners? 160 00:05:42,884 --> 00:05:44,302 Yes, obvious twins. 161 00:05:44,594 --> 00:05:46,137 And I tried looking in the last place 162 00:05:46,429 --> 00:05:47,597 you'd ever expect. 163 00:05:47,889 --> 00:05:50,089 And, no, Mr. Donaghy's pants are not in the ladies' room 164 00:05:50,183 --> 00:05:51,703 at that laser tag place on 12th Avenue. 165 00:05:51,852 --> 00:05:53,186 It's no use. 166 00:05:53,478 --> 00:05:55,313 I'm just gonna have to replace 'em. 167 00:05:55,605 --> 00:05:57,399 But where am I ever gonna get $2,500? 168 00:05:57,691 --> 00:05:59,131 Well, why don't you just do like I do 169 00:05:59,192 --> 00:06:01,027 and sell your autograph at the car show? 170 00:06:04,948 --> 00:06:08,368 ♪ What the world needs now ♪ 171 00:06:08,660 --> 00:06:12,080 ♪ is love, sweet love ♪ 172 00:06:12,372 --> 00:06:14,624 ♪ it's the only thing ♪ 173 00:06:14,916 --> 00:06:18,753 ♪ that there's just too little of ♪ 174 00:06:19,045 --> 00:06:21,590 ♪ what the world needs now ♪ 175 00:06:21,882 --> 00:06:24,968 ♪ ♪ 176 00:06:25,260 --> 00:06:27,721 Ahh! Go! Come on, go! 177 00:06:28,013 --> 00:06:29,180 Go, go! 178 00:06:29,472 --> 00:06:31,308 Go! Come on! 179 00:06:31,600 --> 00:06:32,600 Gah! 180 00:06:33,810 --> 00:06:35,687 What the what?! 181 00:06:42,193 --> 00:06:43,862 Oh, my god. 182 00:07:11,348 --> 00:07:12,807 Thank you for an incredible night. 183 00:07:13,099 --> 00:07:14,643 Really? Did you have a good time? 184 00:07:14,935 --> 00:07:15,393 'Cause I really did. 185 00:07:15,685 --> 00:07:16,770 Unbelievably good. 186 00:07:17,062 --> 00:07:18,915 And thank you for letting me try the thing I tried. 187 00:07:18,939 --> 00:07:20,565 I'm... sorry I dropped you. 188 00:07:20,857 --> 00:07:22,484 Oh, no, it was great. 189 00:07:22,776 --> 00:07:24,736 I mean, who knew that ottoman had wheels, right? 190 00:07:26,780 --> 00:07:28,657 Well, I gotta get to work. 191 00:07:34,704 --> 00:07:36,706 Uh, when can I see you again? 192 00:07:36,998 --> 00:07:38,917 Anytime. You name it. 193 00:07:42,629 --> 00:07:43,689 Congressman Cunningham, 194 00:07:43,713 --> 00:07:45,274 it is a pleasure to have you on our program. 195 00:07:45,298 --> 00:07:46,883 Hi Dan. Thank you you for having me. 196 00:07:47,175 --> 00:07:50,053 Celeste Cunningham. 197 00:07:50,345 --> 00:07:52,514 C.C. 198 00:07:52,806 --> 00:07:54,446 You didn't tell me you're a congresswoman! 199 00:07:54,724 --> 00:07:57,310 I just ended my first year. 200 00:07:57,602 --> 00:07:59,229 Of your constituents. 201 00:07:59,521 --> 00:08:00,981 "D"? 202 00:08:01,272 --> 00:08:02,565 Vermont? 203 00:08:02,857 --> 00:08:04,818 Big business is out to get us again. 204 00:08:05,110 --> 00:08:07,737 The Sheinhardt Wig Company has dumped thousands of gallons 205 00:08:08,029 --> 00:08:11,366 of auburn fantasy dye into the Chickotagua river, 206 00:08:11,658 --> 00:08:14,703 turning the children of Chickotagua orange. 207 00:08:14,995 --> 00:08:16,496 And I will not rest until this company 208 00:08:16,788 --> 00:08:18,039 and all of its subsidiaries 209 00:08:18,331 --> 00:08:19,624 are held financially responsible! 210 00:08:21,251 --> 00:08:22,627 Why do you have this? 211 00:08:22,919 --> 00:08:25,672 I run a Sheinhardt wig subsidiary called NBC. 212 00:08:25,964 --> 00:08:27,007 Oh, my god. 213 00:08:27,298 --> 00:08:28,717 You're Jack Donaghy? 214 00:08:29,009 --> 00:08:31,177 What were you even doing at that party last night? 215 00:08:31,469 --> 00:08:33,013 Oh, my god. This was a mistake. 216 00:08:33,304 --> 00:08:34,305 Forget about what I said. 217 00:08:34,597 --> 00:08:35,950 I can never be seen with you again. 218 00:08:35,974 --> 00:08:37,058 You're right. 219 00:08:37,350 --> 00:08:39,036 We have to pretend that this never happened. 220 00:08:39,060 --> 00:08:40,770 Yeah, I have to get out of here. 221 00:08:41,062 --> 00:08:43,690 Damn it, the worst part is... 222 00:08:43,982 --> 00:08:45,817 I really liked you a lot. 223 00:08:52,073 --> 00:08:53,908 I gave her the ottoman, and she walked out. 224 00:08:56,703 --> 00:08:57,823 Sir, I typed up that letter. 225 00:08:57,954 --> 00:08:58,455 Hey, uh... 226 00:08:58,747 --> 00:08:59,747 What do you need, Lemon? 227 00:08:59,956 --> 00:09:01,624 Nothing, I just, uh... 228 00:09:01,916 --> 00:09:02,916 It can wait. 229 00:09:03,001 --> 00:09:04,641 Lemon, there's nothing you could say to me 230 00:09:04,878 --> 00:09:06,355 that you can't say in front of Jonathan. 231 00:09:06,379 --> 00:09:09,132 I think my middle eastern neighbor is a terrorist, 232 00:09:09,424 --> 00:09:10,443 and I don't know what to do. 233 00:09:10,467 --> 00:09:11,176 That's ridiculous, Lemon. 234 00:09:11,468 --> 00:09:12,628 Some of our greatest patriots 235 00:09:12,802 --> 00:09:14,113 have been of middle eastern descent. 236 00:09:14,137 --> 00:09:15,388 And I'm appalled to hear you 237 00:09:15,680 --> 00:09:17,182 engage in racial profiling like that. 238 00:09:21,811 --> 00:09:23,563 I'm kidding. Be an American... call it in. 239 00:09:23,855 --> 00:09:24,915 This is the number of a friend of mine 240 00:09:24,939 --> 00:09:27,442 in a very high-level position at homeland security. 241 00:09:27,734 --> 00:09:29,014 Oh, no, not... now I don't know. 242 00:09:29,069 --> 00:09:30,320 Maybe I'm just being paranoid. 243 00:09:30,612 --> 00:09:32,893 If a bleeding heart liberal like you has any suspicions... 244 00:09:33,114 --> 00:09:34,114 I know, right? 245 00:09:36,743 --> 00:09:37,911 Nice ring tone, Jack. 246 00:09:38,203 --> 00:09:39,203 That's not my ring tone. 247 00:09:39,454 --> 00:09:41,039 I hate that San Francisco sound. 248 00:09:41,331 --> 00:09:43,083 How am I calling myself? 249 00:09:43,374 --> 00:09:45,627 This isn't even my phone. 250 00:09:45,919 --> 00:09:46,461 Jack? 251 00:09:46,753 --> 00:09:48,338 C.C.? I think I have your phone. 252 00:09:48,630 --> 00:09:51,591 Yeah, you must have grabbed it by accident. 253 00:09:51,883 --> 00:09:53,968 After our night of doing it. 254 00:09:54,260 --> 00:09:55,762 Take the freight elevator 255 00:09:56,054 --> 00:09:57,656 to the sixth floor, and I'll be right down. 256 00:09:57,680 --> 00:09:58,807 Uh... 257 00:09:59,099 --> 00:10:00,225 Are you all right? 258 00:10:00,517 --> 00:10:02,560 Well, last night I... 259 00:10:02,852 --> 00:10:03,561 Never mind. 260 00:10:03,853 --> 00:10:06,272 These verizon wireless phones are just so popular. 261 00:10:06,564 --> 00:10:09,150 I accidentally grabbed one belonging to an acquaintance. 262 00:10:09,442 --> 00:10:11,322 Well, sure, 'cause that verizon wireless service 263 00:10:11,611 --> 00:10:12,195 is just unbeatable. 264 00:10:12,487 --> 00:10:14,087 I mean, if I saw a phone like that on TV, 265 00:10:14,114 --> 00:10:15,914 I would be like, "where is my nearest retailer 266 00:10:15,949 --> 00:10:17,951 so I can... get one?" 267 00:10:18,243 --> 00:10:20,078 Can we have our money now? 268 00:10:20,370 --> 00:10:23,081 Come on... big money. 269 00:10:26,960 --> 00:10:28,378 Whoa. 270 00:10:28,670 --> 00:10:30,922 This ketchup expired two years ago. 271 00:10:31,214 --> 00:10:32,214 Hmm. 272 00:10:32,340 --> 00:10:33,651 Dude, how much would I have to pay you 273 00:10:33,675 --> 00:10:34,675 to eat this whole bottle? 274 00:10:34,759 --> 00:10:35,759 Honestly? 275 00:10:35,927 --> 00:10:37,262 $1,000. 276 00:10:37,554 --> 00:10:38,847 $400. 277 00:10:46,729 --> 00:10:47,748 I got all the way to Harlem 278 00:10:47,772 --> 00:10:49,372 when I heard Wagner coming from my phone. 279 00:10:49,440 --> 00:10:50,440 Harlem? 280 00:10:50,525 --> 00:10:51,627 I'm working out of the Clinton offices 281 00:10:51,651 --> 00:10:52,360 for a few weeks. 282 00:10:52,652 --> 00:10:53,278 I'm helping Hillary 283 00:10:53,570 --> 00:10:55,210 retool her universal health care platform. 284 00:10:55,238 --> 00:10:56,558 God, I wanna kiss you on the mouth 285 00:10:56,614 --> 00:10:58,454 to stop you from saying such ridiculous things. 286 00:10:58,700 --> 00:11:00,118 Here's your phone. 287 00:11:00,410 --> 00:11:02,250 Obviously, we can never be seen together again. 288 00:11:02,537 --> 00:11:04,014 Obviously... I'm up for the chairmanship, 289 00:11:04,038 --> 00:11:04,664 and I don't wanna risk that. 290 00:11:04,956 --> 00:11:06,350 They give you a helicopter, you know. 291 00:11:06,374 --> 00:11:07,374 What about me? 292 00:11:07,542 --> 00:11:09,520 How can I look those little orange children in the eye? 293 00:11:09,544 --> 00:11:12,213 They have no other documented health problems, you know. 294 00:11:12,505 --> 00:11:13,131 They're orange! 295 00:11:13,423 --> 00:11:15,508 This is why I got into politics... 296 00:11:15,800 --> 00:11:17,760 To stop big companies from hurting the little guy. 297 00:11:17,844 --> 00:11:19,721 What happened to you that made you this way? 298 00:11:20,972 --> 00:11:21,972 In 1998, 299 00:11:22,223 --> 00:11:23,943 I got shot in the face by my neighbor's dog. 300 00:11:24,184 --> 00:11:25,727 Oh, C.C., I'm so... 301 00:11:26,019 --> 00:11:27,270 Wait, what? 302 00:11:27,562 --> 00:11:28,706 My neighbor had a riverton hunting rifle 303 00:11:28,730 --> 00:11:30,440 with a faulty trigger safety. 304 00:11:30,732 --> 00:11:32,192 One day, his Jack Russell terrier 305 00:11:32,483 --> 00:11:33,483 started chewing the area, 306 00:11:33,693 --> 00:11:35,333 the gun went off, and shot me in the face. 307 00:11:35,361 --> 00:11:36,362 No. 308 00:11:36,654 --> 00:11:37,697 A terrier? 309 00:11:37,989 --> 00:11:39,199 So I did what was right: 310 00:11:39,490 --> 00:11:41,201 I sued riverton, my neighbor, and the dog. 311 00:11:41,492 --> 00:11:42,660 C.C., I'm so sorry. 312 00:11:42,952 --> 00:11:43,453 Well, don't be. 313 00:11:43,745 --> 00:11:45,455 After six reconstructive surgeries, 314 00:11:45,747 --> 00:11:47,547 I'm much better-looking now than I used to be. 315 00:11:47,749 --> 00:11:49,389 Plus, they made a lifetime movie about me. 316 00:11:49,459 --> 00:11:50,728 Tonight on lifetime, 317 00:11:50,752 --> 00:11:53,630 Candace Van Der Shark stars as Celeste Cunningham in: 318 00:12:00,094 --> 00:12:02,347 You know, I thought you made love like an ugly girl. 319 00:12:02,639 --> 00:12:04,682 So present, so grateful. 320 00:12:27,664 --> 00:12:29,082 Who's that?! 321 00:12:29,374 --> 00:12:31,167 Nobody. Don't lie to me, Jack. 322 00:12:31,459 --> 00:12:33,670 I've had plenty of women mad at me the morning after. 323 00:12:33,962 --> 00:12:35,648 Just don't let her light your sneakers on fire 324 00:12:35,672 --> 00:12:36,756 in the bathtub. 325 00:12:37,048 --> 00:12:38,408 Oh, she would never do that, Tracy. 326 00:12:38,591 --> 00:12:39,676 She's a very special woman. 327 00:12:39,968 --> 00:12:41,552 So then what's the problem? 328 00:12:41,844 --> 00:12:44,347 Well, we're just on opposite sides of a feud. 329 00:12:44,639 --> 00:12:46,891 Oh, I get it: Romeo and Juliet. 330 00:12:47,183 --> 00:12:48,434 Capulets and romulans. 331 00:12:48,726 --> 00:12:49,936 Mm-hmm, I've been there. 332 00:12:50,228 --> 00:12:51,396 I'm black, she's white. 333 00:12:51,688 --> 00:12:53,314 I'm black, she's light-skinned black. 334 00:12:53,606 --> 00:12:55,066 I'm black, she's 17. 335 00:12:55,358 --> 00:12:56,359 Hey, listen, 336 00:12:56,651 --> 00:12:57,694 if she's your soul mate, 337 00:12:57,986 --> 00:12:58,986 you go for it. 338 00:12:59,153 --> 00:13:00,593 Tracy, I don't believe in soul mates. 339 00:13:00,655 --> 00:13:01,924 I worked too hard to get where I am 340 00:13:01,948 --> 00:13:03,533 to sacrifice it for some woman. 341 00:13:03,825 --> 00:13:05,545 I don't care if she is beautiful, brilliant, 342 00:13:05,743 --> 00:13:07,578 and she does it like her dad's a minister. 343 00:13:12,375 --> 00:13:14,502 Sir, that was impressive! 344 00:13:14,794 --> 00:13:17,297 Ugh. My feet are puffed up real bad. 345 00:13:17,588 --> 00:13:19,340 Dude, let us give you the rest of the money 346 00:13:19,632 --> 00:13:20,632 for Donaghy's pants. 347 00:13:20,883 --> 00:13:22,093 No, Mr. Rossitano. 348 00:13:22,385 --> 00:13:24,929 We Parcells are neither wealthy Nor circumcised, 349 00:13:25,221 --> 00:13:26,556 but we are proud. 350 00:13:26,848 --> 00:13:28,516 I have to earn that money. 351 00:13:28,808 --> 00:13:30,351 All right, I got a job for you. 352 00:13:30,643 --> 00:13:32,687 Every night after dinner, Lutz falls asleep 353 00:13:32,979 --> 00:13:34,397 on the couch in our office. 354 00:13:34,689 --> 00:13:36,566 Mm-hmm. 355 00:13:44,615 --> 00:13:46,909 Can I help you? 356 00:13:47,201 --> 00:13:50,621 Pete! Pete! Pete! 357 00:13:50,913 --> 00:13:52,665 Raheem! 358 00:13:52,957 --> 00:13:53,416 Ready to go? 359 00:13:53,708 --> 00:13:54,708 You guys are going out? 360 00:13:54,959 --> 00:13:55,501 Yeah. 361 00:13:55,793 --> 00:13:57,337 My buddy, Raheem, 362 00:13:57,628 --> 00:13:59,068 invited me out with him to celebrate. 363 00:13:59,255 --> 00:14:01,455 He just completed some big project he's been working on. 364 00:14:01,716 --> 00:14:04,719 Soon everyone will know the name Raheem Haddad. 365 00:14:26,407 --> 00:14:28,159 Hi, I'm not sure, but... 366 00:14:28,451 --> 00:14:31,329 Who is he, and where can we find him? 367 00:14:34,540 --> 00:14:35,875 Hey, C.C. 368 00:14:36,167 --> 00:14:37,227 We're having a barbecue tonight. 369 00:14:37,251 --> 00:14:37,960 You're welcome to come. 370 00:14:38,252 --> 00:14:39,670 Thanks. Maybe I will. 371 00:14:42,340 --> 00:14:43,925 Get the gun away from the dog. 372 00:14:44,217 --> 00:14:46,135 Hey, hon, have you seen my hunting rifle? 373 00:14:46,427 --> 00:14:48,846 Last time I saw it... the dog had it. 374 00:14:49,138 --> 00:14:50,338 What is wrong with you people? 375 00:14:53,851 --> 00:14:56,020 I'm going to get into politics! 376 00:15:06,823 --> 00:15:08,825 Aaaargh! 377 00:15:09,117 --> 00:15:10,117 Aah! Aah! 378 00:15:10,159 --> 00:15:11,202 Aaaah! 379 00:15:13,996 --> 00:15:15,081 Aah! 380 00:15:15,373 --> 00:15:17,333 Got him! 381 00:15:17,625 --> 00:15:18,835 Gah! 382 00:15:23,673 --> 00:15:24,882 Oh, god, oh! 383 00:15:25,174 --> 00:15:26,174 Whoa! Whoa! 384 00:15:26,217 --> 00:15:27,218 Ape attack! 385 00:15:27,510 --> 00:15:28,510 Ape attack. 386 00:15:28,594 --> 00:15:29,595 Smarts! 387 00:15:30,721 --> 00:15:31,389 Are you okay? 388 00:15:31,681 --> 00:15:33,850 Okay, that went too far. 389 00:15:34,142 --> 00:15:36,144 I still need $700. 390 00:15:36,436 --> 00:15:37,728 What's next? 391 00:15:40,148 --> 00:15:41,668 You know that old lady in accounting... 392 00:15:41,816 --> 00:15:44,193 Who thinks you're her husband who died in the war? 393 00:15:44,485 --> 00:15:45,987 What about her? 394 00:15:48,990 --> 00:15:50,491 I do believe in destiny 395 00:15:50,783 --> 00:15:53,411 and I know that I should hate you, but I can't. 396 00:15:53,703 --> 00:15:54,703 I love you. 397 00:15:54,871 --> 00:15:56,014 And I don't care what people sa y 398 00:15:56,038 --> 00:15:59,917 we were meant to be in each other's lives. 399 00:16:03,212 --> 00:16:06,090 You're right, C.C. 400 00:16:09,302 --> 00:16:11,142 Some dudes took Raheem last night. 401 00:16:11,387 --> 00:16:12,747 Huh... sounds like an American hero 402 00:16:13,014 --> 00:16:15,057 saw something and said something. 403 00:16:15,349 --> 00:16:17,935 Elizabeth Lemon, I can't believe you did that. 404 00:16:18,227 --> 00:16:19,520 Raheem is a good guy! 405 00:16:19,812 --> 00:16:21,647 You seem to be defending Raheem an awful lot. 406 00:16:21,939 --> 00:16:23,774 I'd hate to have to make another phone call. 407 00:16:24,066 --> 00:16:25,109 No, we're cool. 408 00:16:25,401 --> 00:16:26,401 Uh, I renounce Raheem. 409 00:16:26,486 --> 00:16:28,529 Raheem's a bad guy. 410 00:16:28,821 --> 00:16:30,823 Usa number one! 411 00:16:33,784 --> 00:16:35,203 Tracy, I need your help. 412 00:16:35,495 --> 00:16:36,680 I've gotta go somewhere, and I can't be seen, 413 00:16:36,704 --> 00:16:37,704 and cabs don't go there. 414 00:16:37,872 --> 00:16:38,956 Sure, where is it? 415 00:16:39,248 --> 00:16:40,750 Clinton's office in Harlem. 416 00:16:41,042 --> 00:16:42,242 I know where that building is. 417 00:16:42,376 --> 00:16:43,920 I get my Jamaican meat pies there. 418 00:16:46,130 --> 00:16:48,549 Finally, my scalp RX. 419 00:16:52,637 --> 00:16:54,180 Oh, my god. 420 00:16:59,227 --> 00:17:00,853 I am Raheem Haddad. 421 00:17:01,145 --> 00:17:02,480 And this is my brother Hakim. 422 00:17:02,772 --> 00:17:04,148 And these are the reasons 423 00:17:04,440 --> 00:17:05,608 you should choose us 424 00:17:05,900 --> 00:17:08,694 to be the next contestants on the amazing race! 425 00:17:08,986 --> 00:17:09,986 Amazing what? 426 00:17:13,908 --> 00:17:15,326 Uh-oh. 427 00:17:15,618 --> 00:17:16,953 We love to travel. 428 00:17:17,245 --> 00:17:19,121 Look at all the places we have been: 429 00:17:19,413 --> 00:17:22,917 Toronto, Munich, London, the hoover dam, 430 00:17:23,209 --> 00:17:24,627 the cleve. 431 00:17:24,919 --> 00:17:26,504 Oh, boy. 432 00:17:26,796 --> 00:17:29,632 We are in good shape for the road blocks and detours. 433 00:17:29,924 --> 00:17:32,009 Come on! Come on, go! 434 00:17:32,301 --> 00:17:33,301 Oh, no, oh, no. 435 00:17:33,511 --> 00:17:34,511 We love america! 436 00:17:36,931 --> 00:17:38,516 Oh, no. 437 00:17:38,808 --> 00:17:40,601 Oh, no. 438 00:17:43,271 --> 00:17:44,271 Jonathan... 439 00:17:44,480 --> 00:17:45,940 I purchased a replacement pair 440 00:17:46,232 --> 00:17:47,316 of Mr. Donaghy's pants. 441 00:17:47,608 --> 00:17:50,570 Wow. You must love him as much as I do. 442 00:18:06,961 --> 00:18:09,463 C.C., look out the window onto 125th street. 443 00:18:11,799 --> 00:18:13,050 You shouldn't be here. 444 00:18:13,342 --> 00:18:14,695 I know I shouldn't. I can't help myself. 445 00:18:14,719 --> 00:18:15,719 I wanna be with you! 446 00:18:15,928 --> 00:18:17,656 Tell her you want your privates and her privates 447 00:18:17,680 --> 00:18:18,680 to do a high-five. 448 00:18:18,931 --> 00:18:20,433 Oka y, tray, I got this. 449 00:18:20,725 --> 00:18:21,743 Jack, we hardly know each other. 450 00:18:21,767 --> 00:18:23,603 This could be career suicide for both of us, 451 00:18:23,894 --> 00:18:24,894 and you know it! 452 00:18:25,062 --> 00:18:25,646 I don't care anymore. 453 00:18:25,938 --> 00:18:27,698 I saw your movie... What you said to that dog 454 00:18:27,898 --> 00:18:29,275 about soul mates. 455 00:18:29,567 --> 00:18:31,652 I think I might be the dog. 456 00:18:31,944 --> 00:18:33,088 Tell her her butt look like a apple 457 00:18:33,112 --> 00:18:34,655 and you wanna take a bite. 458 00:18:34,947 --> 00:18:37,074 Buzz me in, okay? 459 00:18:37,366 --> 00:18:38,552 Tell her she got some tig ol' biddies 460 00:18:38,576 --> 00:18:40,369 like the Dallas cowboy cheerleaders. 461 00:18:40,661 --> 00:18:42,264 Tell her you want her to donate her body to science, 462 00:18:42,288 --> 00:18:42,997 and you science. 463 00:18:43,289 --> 00:18:44,289 Tell her, Jack! 464 00:18:46,542 --> 00:18:48,182 I've been going crazy these last few days, 465 00:18:48,294 --> 00:18:49,614 thinking about our night together. 466 00:18:49,795 --> 00:18:52,048 How you wanted to brush my hair as foreplay. 467 00:18:52,340 --> 00:18:54,967 How you made me that western omelet at 4:00 A.M. 468 00:18:55,259 --> 00:18:56,886 I never met anyone like you, Jack. 469 00:18:57,178 --> 00:18:58,262 Be with me, C.C. 470 00:18:58,554 --> 00:19:00,556 We'll ignore our differences till the sex goes bad, 471 00:19:00,848 --> 00:19:03,184 then we'll... walk away bitter and angry. 472 00:19:03,476 --> 00:19:04,894 Ohh. 473 00:19:05,186 --> 00:19:06,426 Nobody can know we're together. 474 00:19:06,479 --> 00:19:08,272 Not even your friend Tracy Jordan out there. 475 00:19:08,564 --> 00:19:10,284 I don't think you have to worry about Tracy. 476 00:19:10,358 --> 00:19:12,360 Stop eatin' people's old French fries, pigeon. 477 00:19:12,652 --> 00:19:13,652 Have some self-respect. 478 00:19:13,819 --> 00:19:15,112 Don't you know you can fly? 479 00:19:19,742 --> 00:19:21,202 I don't... 480 00:19:21,494 --> 00:19:23,120 I've never had a secret affair before. 481 00:19:28,125 --> 00:19:31,379 What do you say we go find a spot and defile this place? 482 00:19:42,723 --> 00:19:43,391 Raheem. 483 00:19:43,683 --> 00:19:44,684 Hey, buddy! 484 00:19:44,975 --> 00:19:46,102 Where ya been all week? 485 00:19:46,394 --> 00:19:48,938 They put electrodes on my testicles, Liz. 486 00:19:49,230 --> 00:19:50,230 Who did? 487 00:19:50,314 --> 00:19:52,650 Oh, you... remembered my name. 488 00:19:52,942 --> 00:19:55,486 America's government shocked my nuts. 489 00:19:55,778 --> 00:19:57,488 No, I'm pretty sure they're not allowed 490 00:19:57,780 --> 00:19:58,906 to do that type of thing. 491 00:19:59,198 --> 00:20:00,533 "They say," Raheem... 492 00:20:00,825 --> 00:20:01,909 Why you no shake hands?" 493 00:20:02,201 --> 00:20:04,578 I say, "because I don't want sickness before amazing race." 494 00:20:04,870 --> 00:20:07,248 They say, "Raheem, why all the trips to the airport?" 495 00:20:07,540 --> 00:20:09,476 I say, "because I'm practicing for the amazing race!" 496 00:20:09,500 --> 00:20:10,500 Sure. 497 00:20:10,584 --> 00:20:11,293 And then, "zzt! Zzt!" 498 00:20:11,585 --> 00:20:12,670 In my underpanties! 499 00:20:12,962 --> 00:20:15,548 Do you have any idea who... turned you in? 500 00:20:15,840 --> 00:20:19,593 No... but I am just so angry now. 501 00:20:19,885 --> 00:20:21,637 I have so much anger inside. 502 00:20:21,929 --> 00:20:25,307 I want to do something spectacular with it. 503 00:20:29,270 --> 00:20:30,604 Northrax. 504 00:20:31,939 --> 00:20:33,482 Hey! I made waffles. 505 00:20:33,774 --> 00:20:34,817 Ohh, thank god. 506 00:20:35,109 --> 00:20:36,986 Yeah.